A World of Gray
by TheCorruptor10
Summary: How do you deal with losing everyone you love? Set after the second war. One-Shot. Lucius/OC This is the first thing I've written that I felt was good enough to publish. Reviews are encouraged, especially since it's my first fic. Constructive criticism is welcome. Rudeness is not.


**Disclaimer: I only own my made up character. Everything else belongs to J.K. Rowling.**

He had lost everything. He was empty inside. He simply needed not to feel. He usually tried to numb the pain with alcohol. But, on the nights the alcohol didn't do the job, he would call her. They would spend the night wrapped up in one another, each enjoying the other's body, both needing to forget. They would fall asleep, arms around each other, a brief moment of precious numbness. But, the pain always returned.

She always made sure to be gone before the sun made it over the horizon, the dim rays of first light guiding her back home. She would climb in her bed, curl up, wrapping her arms around her stomach, trying to hold the pain back long enough to drift off into sweet oblivion for a short while.

She knew she shouldn't have agreed to this arrangement. The first night he called her, she should have turned him away. But, she couldn't. She was weak when it came to him. She had buried her feelings for him long ago, but that didn't mean they weren't still there.

They were desperate. Anything that relieved the pain was a good thing, right? Even if it was only for a short while.

He'd lost his wife. His son had moved on, healed, found happiness, with the Granger girl of all people, and left him behind.

She'd lost everyone she'd ever loved. Her brother, Sirius. Her best friend, Severus. And the man she loved, Remus. The fact that the last time her and Remus had spoken had been an argument years ago, and that he'd moved on, married another woman, and had a child, only made him being gone hurt that much more.

They were both just drifting along, dragging themselves through each day.

The whole world seemed gray and gloomy.

Each time they were together, she could feel old feelings threatening to resurface, trying to break out of the box she kept under lock and key. She couldn't let them escape. She knew she'd only end up hurt. He was still mourning, too broken to care for another.

She'd liked him since the first time she had met him, when they were just children. He and Severus were in Slytherin together, but her being a Gryffindor with her brother did not stop her and Severus from being attached at the hip, like always. Lucius and Severus had become fast friends, quickly becoming an addition to their group. She'd known she liked him, even then. Sirius knew, too. She and Sirius had always been closest out of their family. They could read each other like a book, masters at communicating non-verbally with one another. The second he had seen her look at Lucius, he had known, and had proceeded to give her hell over it, as was his brotherly duty.

Once they'd gotten older, the Death Eater business started happening. She and Severus argued about it almost daily. The first time the word 'mudblood' had slipped from his mouth, she'd declared that she was done with them. She pulled away, easily finding a place with her brother and his group of friends. From that moment, she'd buried her feelings for Lucius so deeply, she was sure they'd never come back.

Thus began her slowly building relationship with Remus. They'd fit together perfectly. She could actually get him out of his shell for a bit, which was a welcome surprise. They began dating, and everyone thought they would end up married one day. Then, the secrets began. He would disappear once a month. He started withdrawing from her. He seemed weak, sick even. Sirius and James wouldn't say a word to her, swore everything was fine, that she shouldn't worry. She eventually put everything together, figured out their secret. When she finally confronted him about it, they'd gotten in a full blown argument, the first and only one they'd ever had. He said he was protecting her, didn't want to hurt her. She wanted his trust, his honesty, but he remained adamant. He believed the only solution was to break things off. She'd begged him not to, pleaded with him not to throw away the years they'd spent together, asked him if their love meant nothing. He refused to hear her, sticking to what he thought was the only solution. Finally, she'd gotten angry. She'd yelled, screamed until her throat hurt, and she couldn't scream anymore. Her voice raspy, she'd told him she never wanted to see him or speak to him again. He'd walked away and honored her wish. That was the last time they'd spoken, and she regretted it every day since.

She had cried herself to sleep for months. She was a zombie in her classes. She finished her exams, having no one left by her side except her brother. When the second war started brewing, she'd avoided Remus like the plague at any Order meetings. She had spent much of her time with Severus. They had rekindled their friendship after Lily died. He had taken it hard, and she was there for him, all the old squabbles forgotten.

Severus had been her saving grace. When Sirius had died, when Remus had gotten married, when his and Nymphadora's child was born, he'd been there. He was her shoulder, her rock, her confidant, and she his. After the second war, when she saw Remus's body, she'd instantly searched him out. She had needed him badly. She'd felt the hysteria setting in as she tried to find him. Instead, she'd ended up with Lucius, dropping that final blow on her that her best friend was gone as well. She'd lost it. Despite his own pain, he'd picked her up, taken her back to her home, held her while she sobbed. After she'd cried herself to sleep, he had left to drown in his own misery. Every time she woke, she cried. Finally, her eyes sore, her body worn out, the tears ran out, and she was only left with emptiness.

It was not long after that he had called her for the first time. She'd been at war with herself ever since. She knew if they kept on this loop they would never heal. They would just keep treading water, not moving in any direction. Could they really do that for the rest of their lives?

Finally, on the year anniversary of the war, she decided it had to stop. They'd held a celebration. All the living war heroes were there, all the dead ones receiving a memorial. When their pictures flashed across the screen, first Remus's then Severus's, even Sirius's, she knew she had to break out of their rut. She felt grief, disappointment, even anger at herself. They would be so disappointed in her, in what she'd become. She was nothing but a ghost. She may as well have died that day, too.

That was how, after the memorial, she had mustered any amount of resolve she could find, and gone to Lucius. He tried to wrap his arms around her, but she pushed him away. She knew he was feeling his own pain on this day, but she couldn't let herself think of any of the things they'd lost. If she did, she would weaken, and they would continue on this path. He looked at her, his eyes holding confusion and curiosity.

"This has to stop," she breathed, not bothering to beat around the bush.

His face fell. He moved as if to come to her, his hand reaching for her, but she stepped back, and he stopped, dropping his arm.

"Why?" he asked. He barely got the word out past the lump in his throat, the pain threatening to overwhelm him.

"Lucius, we will never get better if we keep this up," she explained.

She went to him, taking his hands in hers and holding on tightly. Her eyes shone with hope. It was the first time he'd seen emotion there in so long.

"We need to heal. We need to move on," she whispered.

She looked in his eyes, searching, hoping she would get through to him. He looked down and swallowed.

"I don't know how," he murmured, barely audible.

"We can help each other," she said, bending down to catch his gaze again. "But, not like this, Lucius. This can't go on. I care for you too much to-" She trailed off, gasping at her slip.

No feelings. That was the deal. The emotions she'd kept so carefully tucked away had somehow managed to escape without her noticing.

"Helena, I-" he started.

"No, Lucius, I didn't-" she started, dropping his hands and stepping away.

"Helena, listen to me," he cut her off. He stepped over to her and grabbed her face in his hands, forcing her to meet his gaze. "I care for you, too," he confessed. "I always have. I just…I couldn't let myself…I had to-"

"I know," she whispered, understanding what he was trying to explain.

He couldn't deal with any feelings for her before. Then, he had to keep her safe from Voldemort and the Death Eaters. Now, he wasn't in a place to feel for anybody. Neither of them was.

"Now what?" he asked.

"Now, we get better. We help each other. We take it slow, one day at a time. We can deal with our feelings once we have started healing," she said simply.

"How?" he asked.

"I don't know," she answered. "It's going to be hard. But, facing it is the first step."

"I know how we can start," he said.

She looked at him questioningly.

"We can visit the cemetery," he suggested.

She nodded. "Let's go buy some flowers," she said, holding her hand out for him.

A smile ghosted upon his lips. She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen anything even remotely resembling such a thing on his face. He took her hand and nodded. She smiled quickly back at him, and then pulled him after her out the door. This was the first step in the right direction. She knew they would be ok, in time, and they would do it together. As long as they stuck together and helped one another, she knew they would make it. She smiled again.

Today, the world looked a little less gray. In time, it would hold color again.


End file.
